by Ibrey reporting from Singapore

Ah, Singapore. The gleaming metropolis where East meets West, and Maldivian presidents travel to get their suits tailored and new Ferragamo shoes. As for me? I’m here for a haircut. And to meet some associates who are treating me to lunch. 

Some context: Things just haven’t been the same since my regular barber shop in Malé closed down. As if this change wasn’t unsettling enough, I’ve got to the stage where barbers no longer fawn over my thick hair and instead make snide comments like “getting a bit thin on top, ah?”. My current place charges 80 rufiyaa for a cut and beard trim (including kasmathi jehun) plus 50 rufiyaa for a 5-minute head massage. I’d been hoping that the latter would stimulate my dying hair follicles. But, sceptical about the results, I decided to throw some more money at the problem. 

And so here I am at a swanky salon at a shopping centre on Orchard Road asking for a standard haircut plus a scalp treatment as an add-on. As my stylist settles me into a seat, the elderly owner comes to say hello and make a bit of small talk. “You’ve come to the right place. We’ve got people from all over Asia who’ve been raving about our treatments. And you know what?” He leans over and whispers conspiratorially, “even the Maldivians are coming now!”

“Oh,” I say as he squeezes my shoulders with a chuckle and wanders off to chat to another customer. 

As I exit the salon having paid in dollars an amount that exceeded what I’d have paid in rufiyaa in Malé, I can’t help but wonder if I’d been fleeced. I’d caught a glance at the small print on the treatment packaging which said “guaranteed increase in hair density as self-reported by sample of 39 participants in trial”. Hmm. But there’s no time to rue over this as I have to scoot off to my next appointment. Lunch! 

I’m excited as my Singapore-based associates have promised to take me to Five Star Restaurant for some Hainanese-style chicken rice. What’s more, it’s a place that uses Kampung chicken. For the uninitiated, this refers to a breed of free-range chicken in Malaysia and Indonesia. In addition to being a more ethical dining choice, the chicken themselves are leaner, sleeker and taste better. I’m salivating at the thought!

I’m soon scuttling across town in a Grab with my better half, Mariyambu. We are both a little on edge during the journey as vehicles keep changing lanes at 70 km/h without signalling and our driver is incessantly yawning while his glazed eyes drop down to read the texts coming through on his phone. “You know, for a country so well ordered, the driving is unexpectedly erratic here,” says Mariyambu. I nod in agreement as a motorbike overtakes us from the left and immediately shifts two lanes to the right. 

We soon arrive at Five Star Restaurant and are greeted at the entrance by my associates. One of them, Saeed, whom I haven’t seen in a while gives me a big hug and says “nice haircut, looking sharp man!”. Mariyambu’s eyes roll all the way to Johor Bahru and back. 

But on to business. I have a good feeling about the restaurant as I take in the simple décor and the skewered chicken on display. Its limbs look pretty lean to me! The place is humble and wholesome, in keeping with this blog’s ethos. I feel a tension I hadn’t previously been aware of release. Husenfulhu would approve of this choice of eatery, I think with a smile.

We enter and my heart soars as I see the gorgeous piece of wall art depicting a traditional (yet somewhat modern) family sitting at an outdoor table on a farm while chicken (which the family will presumably be feasting on in a few days’ time) roam around happily in the fields. It’s an idyllic scene and will be the perfect backdrop to the meal to come. 

The menu advertises the uniqueness of the establishment’s Kampung chicken and I can’t help but think that the marketing budget has been well spent on professional copywriting support:

“The chicken is prepared simply with masterful slow cooking, yielding fork-tender succulence that is aromatic yet less oily.”

Yum!

I decide that the only way to go is with the “Five Star Signature Set” chicken rice with Hong Kong Kailan plus a side of sweet and sour sliced fish. There is a choice between white or roasted chicken. Here I deviate from my instinct to go authentic and pick the latter. Mariyambu opts for the white chicken and I immediately sense that FOMO will kick in later.

The Chinese tea arrives first, startling me, contained as it is in a Tiger Beer mug. Saeed tut tuts at the cultural insensitivity but I’m loathe to mark the establishment down in my review for this. To me it appears an entirely commercially sensible decision to try and cross sell another local product. And besides, if we look past the label, this is no different to how tea is served back home. “It’s just kalhu saiy in a joadu”, I say to Saeed. “Haha, bai kalheh dho?” he replies. Well, no, this mug is massive and full to the brim. But I don’t want to quibble. 

The main meal arrives and it lives up to expectations. The rice is perfectly flavoured with broth. The kailan is fresh and crunchy. And the chicken is indeed lean and tender! I imagine this very same chicken running around happily on some farm in Malaysia just a few days ago as per the mural, and think how nice that it could enjoy such freedom before being slaughtered. And it’s now going to go easy on my arteries as well because of the lower fat content. Wins all round.

A thought nags at me though. I glance at Mariyambu’s dish and ask if I can try a slice of her chicken. And guess what? It’s more succulent! I knew I should have gone with the white instead of roasted. So, dear reader, if there is one insight you should take from this review here it is. Always go with the original rather than the variation or you might regret it. Coke and not Coke Zero. Vinyl and not CDs. Mamdani and not Zariyandhu. You get my drift. 

As I step outside and feel the sun’s heat bear down on my thinning pate, I take Mariyambu’s hand in mine and get to thinking. I need to stop ruminating about the passage of time and other things beyond my control. I thank my associates for their delightful company and the wonderful meal. Sampling the various culinary delights of this part of Asia is well worth traveling to Singapore for. But I’m now genuinely looking forward to my next 5-minute head massage back home.