i’m eating a beef panini from city gelato in my room while on a call with faathumaafulhu. the panini is cheesy, with a thin layer of roasted beef that doesn’t taste half bad. and it is filling me up surprisingly well for a snack. it’s the bread, i think.

‘anyway,’ i begin. ‘i spent quite a bit of that trip snorkelling. that was pretty cool. seeing the corals before the bleaching happened, all that colour.’

‘oh is that right, brother?’ says my sister and i can almost see her smirk. ‘how many times did you go snorkelling then?’

‘half my time there was spent in water,’ i snap.

‘oh, here’s a real lover of the ocean everyone,’ she laughs. ‘why is this annoying you? do you tell people you’re a snorkeller?’

‘anyway,’ i say. ‘i saw a pair of octopuses the third day, just chilling on a rock you know. looking at me. and i looked at them. we were like that for at least half an hour.’

‘oh man,’ she says. ‘that’s so cool. i literally LOVE octopuses. like the way they change colour. that’s just amazing.’

‘well, yeah but what i really love about them is how well they mimic the texture of their surroundings.’

‘yeah, but do they REALLY change the texture of their bodies? isn’t that a trick of the light or something?’

‘man!’ i exclaim. ‘have you SEEN an octopus?’

‘of course i have, i’ve seen so many i’ve lost count. you know, on my DIVES?’

‘ah,’ i tell her. ‘you might go deeper than me sister and see more, but you don’t observe. the details of this beautiful world are lost on you.’

‘fuck off,’ says my sister, but she is laughing a little. ‘that’s so mean.’

‘well, it’s the truth, faathuma,’ i say. i have won this exchange. i take a bite from my panini and a web of cheese appears between my mouth and the sandwich. mmm.

‘you know,’ i say. ‘i think we’re friends because you don’t look up to me now.’

‘what do you mean?’

‘like you see me as your equal.’

‘what the fuck are you talking about?’

‘ok, it’s like this,’ i say, trying to gather my thoughts. ‘you can’t be friends with people you look up to.’

‘why not?’

‘you can’t be friends with someone whom you think is not on your level.’

‘are you telling me how to choose my friends, brother?’ she asks.

‘it’s like this. only someone who’s on the same level as you can understand you. and you them.’

‘ok…’

‘without mutual understanding there can be no friendship, right?’

‘i guess. but i’m friends with my friend’s cat.’

‘come on, how can you two be friends? it’s a stupid cat.’

‘YOU’RE stupid. do you think you’re so clever and deep no one gets you?’

‘alright, alright, let’s not fight,’ i tell her. ‘i’m eating my panini.’

‘good. i gotta go get ready for the club,’ she says. ‘miss you.’

i hang up.

it’s true, though. if she looked up to me, i’d always feel it. it will prevent me from being friends with her because it gives me power over her, to shape her somehow, to exert my will on her. who wants to do that to someone?

i finish my panini, wash my hands in the toilet and lie down on the bed. the late afternoon sun is a golden bar across the door of the toilet. a macaw squawks, and the world turns quiet, like it’s mulling over a thought.