it is late afternoon. maybe even close to sundown. the sky is strangely light and clear. such a pretty sky. moosaalhu parks the bike and we walk towards a cafe opposite this big brown mosque.

‘i want pie,’ i say.

‘don’t whine,’ says moosaalhu. ‘we’ll get to the pie. but first, some quality dessert.’

i climb up the steps of the building and am stumped by the door. do i slide it open? do i push?

‘the limits of your intelligence, eh?’ grins moosaalhu. he moves closer to the door which opens on its own. damn this man.

inside it’s very cosy but the decor is tasteful, kind of feminine. or gay. i ask the woman behind the small counter to recommend me something.

‘the almond praline cake,’ she says. it is the second most expensive thing on display.

i nod.

moosaalhu gets a brownie and a chocolate chip cookie. an adventurous guy.

it takes some time. and then we’re summoned to the counter to collect a silver tray on which are our plate of desserts and a pair of twin-tined forks. my god. what is this place? where am i? i sense it, though. i sense…

‘are you alright? what are you mumbling?’ says moosaalhu.

‘it’s power, man.’ i say.

‘please, not that again. anyway, what did you want to tell me?’

oh yeah. the story.

‘you know that swimwear brand vavavoom, right?’ i say. moosaalhu nods.

‘oh yeah, i’ve seen their instagram,’ he says. ‘cool people. you know them?’

‘yeah. anyway…’

‘what?’

‘i had this insta thing with one of their models.’

‘you? with a model?’

‘ok i used a filter dammit. anyway, she was at this resort for a photoshoot and asked me to meet her.’

‘really. when was this?’

‘two weeks ago,’ i say.

‘so, what did she do when she saw your ugly ass.’

‘that’s the thing, i think she liked me, and i told her a few jokes to loosen her up, you know?’

‘oh, i know your modus operandi.’

‘isn’t that a coffeeshop?’ i ask.

‘go on.’

‘ok so, after the shoot, we go to her room. and then, we just start making out. like really hard.’

‘get to the point.’

‘ok, then like, she takes my, you know, out and then, you know. it stops.’

‘what’s wrong with your dick?’ moosaalhu grins.

‘she didn’t think it was…’

‘what?’

‘big enough,’ i mutter.

‘ah,’ says moosaalhu, still smiling.

‘but i mean, how big does a dick have to be anyway?’

‘bigger than yours, i think,’ moosaalhu says. ‘try my brownie.’

‘you’re so adventurous.’

‘just so there’s a basis for comparison. you being a critic and all.’

‘well,’ i begin. ‘what i expect from a brownie is this: crispy at the top, gooey in the middle.’

‘just eat it.’

it’s not bad. fudgy. could do with some crackle at the top. but it’s good. a good brownie. worth it. i think so anyway. i might have more.

‘so,’ says moosaalhu. ‘you just left the room then? what happened?’

‘oh yeah,’ i say. ‘i asked her if i could do her in the uh…rear.’

‘what? why would you say that?’

‘you know, cos what’s small for the vag is snug for the back. don’t people say that?’

‘no one says that. why would you say that?’

‘anyway, point is i almost got it on with a model. a real life model! what have YOU done with YOUR life?’

moosaalhu shakes his head and i feel the warmth of a hard won victory rising to my cheeks.