i am salivating, yes this most vulgar form of excitement, at the prospect of impending nutrition: dining at the new thai place the next day. it took me ages to get their name right – sawasdee cafe. first, i had to remember swastika, but unfortunately for a long while, that was all i remembered.

‘you wanna know what’s good there?’ sampaafulhu asks.

‘no, i wanna go in blind.’

‘you dont even want to see some photos?’

‘blind i said. BLIND!’

so when the day and time come, i empty a half a cannister of nike extreme on my person and wait for my avas ride. sampaafulhu is getting a bike, too, because it was taking way too long to book an avas for both of us.

‘might as well call themselves LAS ride,’ i say

‘what’s that smell?’ asks sampaafulhu.

‘nike.’

anyhow, my ride goes past the cafe twice before finally parking a few feet away.
‘it’s much too small to get noticed,’ says the rider. or is it driver?

‘at least we’re here.’ i tell him.

inside, sampaafulhu’s friend nadheemadhi is seated by her.

‘where were you?’ asks nadheemadhi. i don’t think i’ve ever seen her face do anything but smile. it must get tiring at SOME point, right? and without waiting for an answer, they immediately start talking business. both nadheemadhi and sampaafulhu do important stuff, like, REALLY important stuff. that’s all i can say here.

and it takes me a moment to register the spread on the table. raw pieces of chicken and beef rest on a huge plate while another plays host to prawns, octopus and calamari. in the middle of our table – which is the only proper table here with seating for maybe six max – is this cooker which a lovely thai woman is coating with butter.

‘what’s going on? what’s this?’

‘this is thai bbq’ replies the woman.

‘we’re gonna eat ALL of this?’ i ask

‘you think it’s too much?’ responds nadheemadhi. ‘it’s really barely enough. i finished one of these with a friend of mine.’

oh man.

the woman is grilling up the meat on the hot plate now.

‘do the hostesses do this for their customers back in thailand?’

‘no, but i don’t want some man eating half-cooked food and complaining and having our restaurant shut down.’ she says and the other women snigger.

‘what’s your name?’

‘my name?’ the hostess goes into shock. ‘why do you want my name?’
‘just curious.’

‘aisha.’

the women laugh knowingly.

‘but you’re thai!’ i exclaim.

‘my mother married a maldivian.’

now the lady prepares soup in the centre of the cooker and soon she gives us permission to eat.

‘my GOD is this good!’ i declare.

‘how did it go with the dentist?’ nadheemadhi asks sampaafulhu.

‘you know, i was afraid i wouldn’t be able to come,’ she replies.

‘oh really?’

‘there was this thing, the dentist thought it might be something.’

‘wow, i had no idea,’ says nadheemadhi sympathetically.

‘i went back to them yesterday though and they said it was ok.’

‘oh thank god.’

‘i was almost looking forward to it being cancer. because then it’s settled, right? i can just do whatever i want and die.’

‘yeah, i know,’ nadheemadhi grins. ‘i’m ready to die here and now too, it’s not like we’re gonna go too far from here, right? this is it.’

‘i’m loving this,’ i tell them and they pretend like they don’t hear me.

‘yeah, i was actually thinking though that i didn’t want to die because of my nieces,’ continues sampaafulhu. ‘they’d be so sad.’

‘oh they have to learn that whatever they love is going to be taken from them.’ laughs nadheemadhi. ‘the sooner they learn that the better.’

sampaafulhu snorts.

‘you know,’ i begin. ‘they JUST cured a bunch of people with rectal cancer.’

‘what’s that? cancer for assholes?’ says sampaafulhu and nadheema chuckles.

‘they cured every single one of them. with pills!’

‘great. i can keep on smoking then.’

‘oh look, i’ve something to show you.’ nadheemadhi says to me.

‘what is it?’

‘you know ablo shahid got married again, right?’

‘no?’

‘ok, so he married this woman. want to see her?’

‘is she someone important?’

‘just have a look.’

she shows me her photo and my GOD it’s the spitting image of a younger ablo shahid! in a buruga!

‘FUCKING HELL!’

‘something wrong?’

it’s aisha.

‘everything’s fine. we’re coming again.’

and i mean it. better watch your step sala thomas you freak of nature.