this time, i’m shaking things up.

yes, i’m making my own food. see, i’m not like those critics who have no PRACTICAL knowledge of their subject, always critiquing from a remove. i may be no chef (yet), but i can cook dammit.

so today, i’m making sausage fried rice. i bought the meat from seagull foods, the rice, soy sauce and veggies from villa mart and of course, what’s a fried rice without some sweetness? i got brezal honey from fantasy along with some thai chili. thank me later for the mention, fellas.

two and half cups of basmati rice in the cooker. that gives me about twenty minutes to get the rest done.
my veggies are cabbage, carrots, spring onions (from villa mart), and half a head of garlic. who doesn’t love good head?

i fry up the garlic and onion, get them a little brown before adding the sausage so that it soaks in some of that garlic taste. let the oil work its magic for about seven minutes or so on mid. then i add the carrot and cabbage.

in a couple more minutes the rice is done – i just put it in while warm, some may caution against that. but I just let it get real greasy with the rest and absorb some of those flavours and then it’s time to sauce it up.
but before that, i add the sliced chili – it’s gonna have a decent kick. then i dissolve half a cup of honey in as much soy sauce and pour it into the pan. there’s some good sizzling and the aroma comes through. yeah baby! i sprinkle a LITTLE salt because my soy isn’t super salty. then i let it sit on low, covered, for a few minutes.

so when hasanbe knocks, all hungry, i change into clean clothes and answer the door.

‘i can’t believe it, it actually looks good,’ he remarks after a thorough vetting of the pan. then he takes his seat at the dinner table with a bowl i’ve made him, his wide jaws already clicking in anticipation.

he takes a bite. i observe him. he is focussed, jaws working, brow knotted. i wait. then it flits across his face – pleasure!

‘SO good,’ he says. ‘i can’t believe it.’

he eats furiously and finishes off his bowl.

‘there aren’t any seconds,’ i tell him.

‘SO good,’ he repeats like a moron.

‘and all this time you guys thought i was a one trick pony.’ the words burst out in a vicious torrent. ‘a fella who just writes! well, guess what? i led a pack in scout. i knew how to cook even then, dammit. AND i knew all the knots. in PRIMARY school. i was the best ALL-ROUND student!’

hasanbe is meekly trying to make his exit. i walk into the hallway and scream at him as he waits with mounting fear for the lift.

‘you think just because you’re snarky you’re smart? that you’re talented? you guys are a buncha hacks! hear me?!’

my neighbours from the apartments next to mine have come to see what’s up. excellent. i’m about to explain the context when hasanbe remarks: ‘dude, your zip.’ and disappears into the lift.

goddammit.